Revenge of sorts
by JaneGrey9days
Summary: James is jealous, he is very very jealous. Why? Why else would he be jealous over anything other than a matter concerning his precious Evans? The thing is, when James is jealous things tend to get very interesting and go very wrong.
1. James doesn't get jealous Cough cough

**Hi! This was supposed to be a one shot but it just got longer and longer and longer...It'll probably be a three shot now.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own the wonderful world of Harry Potter, that honour belongs to J.K. Rowling, therefore none of these characters are mine. Except for Rob. Rob is mine and I've grown quite fond of the poor boy.**

**P.S. Takes place a bit before my other story.**

_Revenge: Sweet as a Sugar Quill and best served with Polyjuice. _

To say James Potter was distracted was an understatement of epic proportions, it was like saying that the surface of the sun was simply warm. In the course of one training session he had managed to fly into the hoops eight times, into the stands five times, into the muddy Quidditch field three times and into his fellow fliers a grand total of 12 times, although admittedly about 5 of those times were far from accidental. He had also been hit in the head by the Quaffle far too many times for it to be healthy.

The reason for his distraction? Simple, it could be summed up in one word or, to be more precise, one name: Evans.

She was there, sitting in the stands closest to the keeper, watching them train, which was surprising since she had once said that she would rather eat Merlin's baggy Y-fronts than watch any form of Quidditch. Her being there wasn't the problem though, not really, in fact James would have been happy to have a choice to show off in front of her but that was the problem: she wasn't here for him, she wasn't even looking at him, she was the for _Rob._

Normally James liked Rob, he was a decent, _fine, _bloody brilliant keeper, had a sense of humour and followed James with something close to blind admiration, but then again _normally_ James was the best player on the team, _normally_ James _would_ have been so concentrated on training that he have noticed if there had been a full sized troll learning ballet right underneath him, _normally_ no one had the guts to ask Evans, they knew the consequences.

But Rob, it appeared, didn't and for that he was going to pay.

Dearly.

There was only one problem: James, for the first time in his life, had no idea how to exact his revenge. He was having the miscreant's version of writer's block and all James could think was: _Why now? Why did he have to lose his creativity when he needed it most? What had he done to deserve such a punishment? Okay, plenty but that was beside the point._

James spent the rest of the day prowling the corridors and muttering to himself, much like Filtch did, although not even Sirius dared point out the growing resemblance.

...

By breakfast the next morning the word had spread: Robert March and Lily Evans were going out and James Potter was_ not_ pleased. The only people who didn't seem to know this were Rob, Evans and James themselves. This was perfectly normal, it was how Hogwart's gossip worked: everyone apart from those involved knew what was going on.

True to form the Syltherins were ecstatic because a Gryffindor, James Potter no less, was having a bad time of it. Everyone else just wondered how Rob could have been so stupid as to go out with someone who was already taken, even if she didn't know it yet.

The only odd one out was Snivellus who, apparently, had no idea what to feel. He was torn between joy, because something had finally ruffled Potter's carefully styled feathers, and depression, because Lily was going out with someone other than him. He was, to those not privy to his inner most thoughts, acting like a PMSing girl which Sirius pointed out immediately to the largest group of people he could find who, after his little speech which included the aforementioned PMSing and the long hair, were left with some rather disturbing questions about Snivellus' gender.

...

Dinner found James alone in the common room, sitting in one of the overstuffed armchairs, staring at the flames in the fireplace. He was, though he would never admit it, a little depressed and more than a little frustrated: He still couldn't think of a way to get rid of Rob. Normally he would have had his idea and been busy sorting out the finer details (or just plain diving in head first with fingers crossed) by now but instead, nothing. He ran his hand through hair.

It had been almost two full days for Merlin's sake! What was wrong with him?

To tell the truth he already knew what was wrong with him, he had known it right from the start: He didn't want Evans to hate him once the prank went through. This meant he had to be careful, something he wasn't used to.

Still lost in thought, James heard the Fat Lady's portrait creak slightly as it opened. He didn't look up; it was probably Sirius or Lupin or Peter, coming to check on him. James sighed and ran his hand through his hair again.

A hand landed on his shoulder.

James jumped, falling out of the chair and nearly ripped half his hair out.

"What the...!"

He let out a string of choice words that would have had even Sirius blushing like the innocent little maiden that he wasn't.

"Oh Merlin! James! Merlin, I'm so sorry!"

It was Rob. Not Lupin, not Sirius, not Peter but Robert March. James felt his anger rising. Not content with stealing Evans, Rob appeared to be trying to humiliate him as much as possible, just to rub it in.

Rob grabbed his arm and pulled him to his feet.

"Are you alright James?" He asked, eyes wide, his voice full of concern that James didn't hear.

"What do you want?" James snapped, feeling his scalp with his free hand to see if any damage had been done. He knew he shouldn't have snapped; he usually had more class when dealing with people he disliked, unless it was Snivellus where James tended to have more fun than class, but Rob was really starting to tick him off.

"Oh, uh right!" Rob suddenly looked very sheepish. He hadn't let go of James' arm. "I didn't see you at dinner so I uh... I decided I'd uh, come and see if you were okay."

The last bit came out rushed and Rob laughed nervously.

_Yeah right,_ sniped the voice in James' head, which, for no reason at all, always sounded like professor Slughorn, _You just wanted to rub it in a little bit more you mean._

"I just have a headache, that's all." He glared at Rob.

"Oh, right. If that's all..." Rob was looking distinctly uncomfortable. For a second James felt sorry for him. Only for a second though, after that he remembered that Rob was stealing away _his_ Evans and that he hated Rob's guts.

James waited for Rob to leave, to clamber back through the portrait hole back to the girlfriend he stole, but he didn't. He moved closer. He was still holding on to James' arm.

It was suddenly James' turn to feel uncomfortable. He didn't know where to look; he couldn't look into Rob's or it would be like those dreams he had, the ones that included himself, Evans and a broom cupboard , but he couldn't look elsewhere because that would be plain rude. In the end he settled for the cross-eyed stare at the nose routine.

"James" Rob said, moving closer. James could feel his breath his cheek, he fought the urge to bolt.

"James, you don't mind me meeting Lily do you? I mean you don't feel jealous do you?" There was a strange look in his eyes.

"No! Jealous? Why would I be jealous? I'm not jealous! Not in the slightest!" James let out a nervous laugh. "Now, if you don't mind letting go of my arm, I think I'll go to dinner."

James had been slowly edging away from Rob and with this he turned and fled, slamming the Fat Lady's portrait behind him.

"Oi! What's got your knickers in a twist?" Floated down the corridor after him.


	2. Plans are formed and put in to motion

**Hey everyone! Chapter 2 is up! Woohoo! Seriously I thought that it would take a lot longer to upload this. Hope everything is spelled correctly and makes sense...**

**Disclaimer: Only Rob**** (and this plot)**** belongs to me.**

* * *

Sirius blinked.

James had just told him his plan, his master plan, the best plan he had ever come up with and all Sirius could do was stand there and blink at him.

"Uh James..." Lupin said, laying a hand on his shoulder. "Are you sure about this? I mean..." He trailed off, looking uncertain.

"What? 'I mean' what?" James growled, rounding on his friend. It wasn't like him to snap at his friends but seen as he had spent half the night on this plan that everyone was questioning and poking holes in really he decided to make an exception.

"Look at the risks Prongs." Sirius said, snapping out of his stupor. "I mean this a great plan and normally I would be one hundred percent behind you but this is you and Evans we're talking about and if something goes wrong, well..."

James glared at him, had expected that Lupin would need some convincing but _Sirius_...Well _Sirius _was a different matter. Sirius objecting to one his plans and _being sensible_ was akin to betrayal in James' sleep deprived brain.

"Since when have you been the voice of reason Padfood? Last time I looked you didn't mind killing someone as a prank!"

"That was different! For starters I actually like Rob and Evans and secondly, if this goes wrong Evans will kill you, castrate you and hate you for the rest of her life and hey! As it happens I quite like it when my friends are alive with all their bits attached and not surrounded by a cloud of depression!"

Sirius folded his arms and glared right back at James. Lupin looked between the two and sighed.

"James, come on, there must be another way."

James scowled at them both for a while before turning on his heel and stalking away.

"Fine!" He called over his shoulder. "I'll do it by myself if you two won't help me!"

He continued to stalk down the corridor but not _too_ quickly, he knew what he was doing. Lupin and Sirius may have been _trying_ to be sensible but they _never_ been able to resist mischief.

"He wouldn't."

"He would."

The conversation going on behind was frantic and whispered. James smirked, any moment now.

"Not without out us he wouldn't."

"He would, this is James we're talking about; he does what he wants."

"But..."

"It's a good plan."

"True."

"It'll be fun."

"He's more likely to get in to trouble by himself."

"...Oh fine. James! We're in!"

James turned to face them as they hurried to catch up with him. His smirk widen as he ran his hand through his hair.

"I knew you'd come round."

"Yeah yeah Prongs, whatever you say." Sirius laughed and clapped him on the shoulder.

"So, where to?"

"Moaning Myrtle's bathroom. Where better to make a potion that we really shouldn't be making?"

"Ha!"

"What"

"She has a crush on Prongs!"

"Really?"

"Yep!"

"Oh shut up you two!"

"No chance Prongs, no chance."

...

For a whole month the three marauders took it in turns to look after the potion, they had decided to leave Peter out of this rather _delicate_ plan, and finally it was ready.

It had been a traumatic month for the marauders; Sirius managed to insult Moaning Myrtle one too many times and was no longer able to enter those particular toilets without getting soaked, Lupin got into the habit of stuffing his ears with gobs of candle wax to block out the wailing Myrtle thought necessary to do whenever it was his turn to look after the potion and James...Well James nearly refused to go back to the toilets after an incident that, according to him, was as close to sexual harassment as a ghost could get.

Now it was over, the potion was ready. Well, almost ready. There were only two ingredients missing: two strands of hair, one a fiery red, the other baby blond.

...

They stood around the ominously bubbling cauldron in a dirty cubicle in an abandoned girls' toilets. Moaning Myrtle was, much to their relief, off annoying whatever lived in the Great Lake although she would 'be back soon! Don't you worry'. All three boys hoped fervently that they would be gone by the time she got back.

"So," Said Sirius, hands behind his head as he looked at the others. "Our first problem; someone needs to get some hair from Evans. Any takers?"

He looked pointedly at James who did something he didn't do very often: He blushed.

Sirius' eyes widened.

"No." He snorted, trying hard not to laugh. James' face was now the same colour as the Gryffindor flag. Sirius couldn't help it, he really couldn't, it was just too much. He collapsed, clutching his sides, howling with laughter.

Lupin hadn't quite understood what had passed between his friends and he watched, fascinated, as James pulled something out of his trouser pocket. Something long, silky, fiery red and held together by a tatty piece of string

Lupin found that he couldn't help it either.

"How...How did you get that?" Lupin managed to gasp out between laughs.

James' eyes narrowed as he tried to cover up his embarrassment.

"Shut up."

"But..." Sirius wiped tears from his eyes.

"No."

"_Why_?" Lupin had had to prop himself up against the wall.

It took a few minutes but Lupin and Sirius finally managed to stop laughing and James stopped looking as though he had swallowed Pepper up potion.

"So," Sirius said, still snickering slightly. "Guess that's taken care of. Rather interestingly if I may say so... "

There was a little choking sound from Lupin as he tried not to start laughing again.

"We are _not_ starting with that again." James snapped. "Can we just get this over with?"

Lupin and Sirius both nodded, fighting sniggers as they watched their best friend drop a lock of Lily's hair into the potion.

They all held their breath the potion began to change its texture and colour; the bubbling sludgy liquid smoothed out and its unappealing brown colour shimmered into a beautiful clear gold. Despite his embarrassment James couldn't help but smile slightly; he had always known she had a great heart.

He snapped out of his little Lily induced reverie quite quickly when he realised it was Lupin and Sirius' turn to be humiliated. _Good._

James grabbed the ladle and filled two cups with the golden liquid before holding them out to his two best friends.

"Come on you two, drink up!" It was his turn to snicker. "Why the long face, Sirius? You knew this was coming!"

Sirius pulled a face before taking the cup and Lupin followed suit, looking rather warily at the potion inside. Sirius sighed slightly before glancing at Lupin.

"I guess we should get this over with."

Lupin nodded and they both grabbed a pile of clothes from the sink and head towards the cubicles.

"You are so going to pay for this Prongs." Sirius muttered as he closed his cubicle door behind him.

"Hey Sirius! No peaking!"

James chuckled as a string of curses floated his way; he was going to enjoy this.

...

About ten minutes later James was standing the bathroom with two Lilys. One looked of them was complaining loudly.

"We wouldn't have to do this if we had the map!" Lily-Sirius moaned, adjusting a bra strap.

"Yes, well maybe next time _someone _shouldn't go waving it around on front of Filtch!" James said, looking pointedly at him. "It's going to take us weeks to get it back now."

"Yeah, well I...I...I" Sirius floundered, searching for a clever retort.

"What are we going to do with it once we leave?"

James and Lily-Sirius whipped around to look at Lily-Lupin, who had been perched on one of the sinks reading a book while his to friends argued. James cocked his head to the side.

"What do you mean?"

"What are we going to do with the map once we've left?" Lily-Lupin said, marking his page and carefully putting the book down beside him. He had the same mannerisms as Lily, it was rather creepy actually.

"We haven't got that much longer before we leave Hogwarts and it won't be any use to us after that."

James considered this for a moment before smiling triumphantly.

"We'll leave it with Filtch!"

"What?" Lily-Sirius gawped at his friend. "_Why._ It'll be ever less use to him than it will be for us! Imagine if he managed to get it work..." He gave a theatrical shudder.

"He's a squib Padfoot." Lupin sighed. "He can't use magic."

"_So?_"

"Never mind."

"I'm leaving it with Filtch," James explained. "Because then, if there are even any new Marauders they'll be sure to find it. I mean what else would anyone worthy of our map be doing in detention with Filtch other than rifling through his draws as soon as his back is turned. "

Lily-Sirius snorted.

"Yeah and maybe, sometime in the future, a child of yours will come across it somehow and maybe they'll have _green _eyes." He fluttering his eyelashes and earning himself a whack around the head from James.

"Shut up Padfoot."

"Aww. Is little James embarrassed?"

"Sirius I don't think it's a good idea to..."

...

A little while later the two Lilys and James were standing outside the bathroom finalizing the details about this part of their plan. One of the Lilys, Lily-Sirius, was looking slightly more dishevelled than before.

"So once you find him you bring him to the broom cupboard and I'll knock him out." James said, looking pleased with himself.

"I still don't see why we have to knock him out. Can't we just tie him up and hide him?" Lily-Lupin objected, looking uneasy.

"But he might make noise and be discovered and we can't have him wandering around until after the plan has finished. Plus, he's trying to steal Lily so I think he's sort of asking for it, don't you?"

"I suppose," Lily-Lupin replied, still looking uncertain. "What do we do if we see the _real _Lily?"

"Run. Very fast, preferably, and in the other direction."

"And what will you be doing while we hunt down Rob?" Asked Lily-Sirius. This was the first time he had spoken since James had decided to teach him about what happens when someone makes a joke about a delicate subject i.e. James and Lily.

"I'll be waiting for you by the broom cupboard looking as dashing and as handsome as ever." James grinned and ran a hand through his hair. "Now off you trot, you two, or you'll never him in time."

With great reluctance and many threats the two Lilys left in search of the poor unsuspecting Rob.

* * *

**This little note is just to say that it may be a while before the next chapters arrive cos I have exams soon so I'm a _ little_ bit busy. Any way to tickle your taste buds (Don't read on if you don't want any spoilers of any kind): In the next chapter Lupin gets harassed and Sirius harasses.**


	3. Plans go wrong but work anyway

**AN: ****Hey! So sorry this took so long to put up but I kinda got distracted by..stuff...Yeah it's a rubbish excuse I know but I really am sorry about the delay. I can promise that the next chapter (I know, I know, I said it would be a three-shot but whatever) will be up in about a week and a half's time.**

**Thanks to everyone who reviewed and TL wifey1 (I hope you see this, I know it's been a while): Only time will tell...**

**Disclaimer: Yeah, I **_**wish **_**I owned Harry Potter but I don't. I only own this plot and Rob.**

**ENJOY!**

Lupin shifted uncomfortably in the girls' uniform he had borrowed, _borrowed not stolen_, from the spares cupboard. It was a size too small and dug into places that he was not used to having anything to dig into, namely his, or rather Lily's, rather pronounced chest and hips.

The fact that he was in someone else's body didn't bother him _too_ much. After all, he spent every full moon in a body that wasn't human and so was pretty used to the whole _Hey! This isn't _my_ body _thing. True, he couldn't remember anything that happened when he was in it (something he sincerely wished would be the case after this, well, after this ordeal) but it was basically the same thing. The real problem was that he now knew entirely too much about Lily's body and that, because of this, Lupin felt as though he was betraying James and this caused unreasonable guilt to settle itself comfortably in his gut. He had to keep reminding himself that it was James' idea in the first place and that, if his friends now had more knowledge of his own crush's body than he did, _it was his own damn fault._

Another thing that really was bothering him was the knickers he was wearing.

He had had to take them from the lost property cupboard, something he had neglected to tell to Sirius, and was trying very hard not to think of how they had got there. He had washed them thoroughly several times but he still wanted out of them as soon as possible and the only way to do _that_ was to find Rob which, unfortunately, was proving difficult.

Lupin had checked the common room first, in the vain hope that Rob would be there and he could get this ludicrous plan over with, but it had been empty and so now he was skulking outside the library, waiting to see if Rob would turn up there. Seeing as Rob was more _sports orientated,_ shall we say, this was highly unlikely but Lupin was trying to avoid everyone but Rob and was holding out hope that he would do something extremely out of character (like decide to find out what a book was).

Just as Lupin was giving up this hope and steeling himself to go out and face the rest of the student body there was a noise behind him. He whipped round only to come face to face with Gerard, a Ravenclaw boy in the same year, and his posse, who were grinning like professor Slughorn when he managed to corner a trembling student with a claim to fame. Lupin's stomach turned to lead and dropped right through the floor to land somewhere in the dungeon (probably next to the stomach of Slughorn's corned student), sweat gathered in the palms of him borrowed hands and he felt the sudden urge to turn and flee, tail tucked between his legs. Normally Gryffindors (Lupin and Lily especially) got on quite well with Ravenclaws, and Gerard had never been anything but nice to the Marauders, but something just seemed _off_ about him, really off, and Lupin had always tried to keep his distance. After all, his instincts were barely ever wrong, the only perk of having a furry little problem really. The only time his instincts were off was with Peter and how he wasn't to be trusted, a notion which was laughable now.

Unfortunately for Lupin, he was about to find out exactly what was off about him. There was a startled squeak as a hand collided with his borrowed behind.

...

Sirius was not pleased.

He would have thought that he would have been ecstatic, being inside the body of a girl and all that, but really, considering the situation, the options were depressingly limited; he couldn't go and stare at the chest that was currently his because it was Lily's and Lily was his friend, whether she wanted to be or not, and Sirius never disrespected his friends. There was also James to consider in this because, no matter how many times he made fun of James for his crush, he could tell that he was well and truly smitten. Sirius was fiercely protective of his mates, he'd already decked several people who had dared to make less than complementary remarks about James and his "Lily Crush", (did people seriously not understand the _he _was the only one allowed to do that?), and it felt wrong to know Lily's body better, _way_ better, than James did.

The other option, to go around acting strangely and then sit back and watch as Lily faced the consequences, was out of the question because, if Lily ever found out it had been him, he was better off dead. Taking all this into account Sirius was left with only one option which was to do what he was supposed to do: find Rob.

With this firmly lodged in his mind, Sirius wandered around the school, determined to fulfil his mission.

Until he was distracted that is.

Mary Jackson was a Ravenclaw in the year above. She was pretty, well endowed, clever in a sexy way, always up for a little fun and played hard to get, something that had managed to hold Sirius' attention for a lot longer than most of his other flings. It didn't hurt that she was now one of the few girls that didn't hit Sirius as soon as he got near (it wasn't _his_ fault that he wasn't ready for a relationship) or ignore him when he tried to start a conversation (why did the girls he had dated feel the need to _warn _others about him). Basically she was Sirius' new target.

As soon as he saw her Sirius forgot everything; he forgot that he saw supposed to be looking for someone and, more importantly, he forgot that, for the time being, he was in the body of a girl. He was totally focused on his new mission: flirting with Mary.

"Mary! How are you this fine day?"

The higher pitch of his voice went completely unnoticed by Sirius along with the fact that the arm he slung oh so casualty over Mary's shoulder was smaller than usual, that he was actually _shorter _than Mary and that Mary and her friends looked startled by his actions. Okay, let's be truthful, he had indeed noticed that they all looked rather surprised but hey! They had a right to be, after all it wasn't everyday that one of the hottest guys in Hogwarts decided to talk to you.

"I'm...I'm fine thanks?"

"Good, good." He smirked at her in that special, often practiced, way that he _knew_ made the girls go crazy. At least it used to. Now the only reactions he seemed to be getting were looks reserved for the clinically insane. _Well that's weird _he thought. _Not usually what happens...damn I should have practiced again last night. I knew I was getting rusty!_ Sirius had the nagging feeling that he'd forgotten something. Something important.

"Anyway Mary, I gotta go. See you for our date today at the Three Broomsticks!"

With that, he slapped her ass and sauntered away, grinning to himself.

"I wonder why Lily's acting so strangely."

"Must be something to do with James, they're at each other's throats all the time but you can tell they're completely besotted by each other..."

_Oops_. He thought he'd forgotten something...

...

James lent against the wall trying to look cool, not that that took any effort mind you, while he waited impatiently for his friends to show up. _Ugh! What was taking them so long? They only had an hour left! _He ran his hand, very carefully, though his hair in frustration. This was beginning to get ridiculous; he had been waiting over half an hour and people were starting to give him strange looks. James Potter did _not_ get _strange looks._

He was just about give up and go in search of his friends, who unfortunately for them were about to turn back into themselves (while they had turned out to be incompetent James thought that his fellow students seeing Sirius and Lupin in knee-highs and skirts was too cruel a punishment...for his fellow students that was; the two idiots could be found wandering around the halls naked by Minnie for all he cared), when something caught his attention. Rob careening down the corridor like a bewitched bludger. Or a drunk fly. Take your pick.

"James! James! Thank Merlin I found you. I thought I'd missed you!" He was gasping, red-faced and looked as though someone had dragged him through a hedge backwards and then been in a tangle with the Womping-Willow. _Not much of a looker now, are you Robbie boy?_ James' internal Slughorn voice commented snidely. He couldn't help but feel pleased that his rival (no, _not _rival, Rob had _nothing_ on James. _Nothing!_) was looking less than attractive just before his date.

James was busy coming up with more cutting, absurdly witty, remarks about Rob's looks and fitness (surely a Quiddich player shouldn't be out of breath after running down _one _corridor. He had run down one corridor right?) when he realised something: Rob was _there,_ James was _there_, the cupboard, the rope and the gag were _there_. Perfect.

"Look James I, uh.. I wanted to ask if you wanted to... To invite you to walk down to Hogsmeade with me." The last bit came out as a rush of near nonsense and James had to put a hold on all other thoughts and emotions to work out what had just been said. When he did he almost punched Rob in the face and through to next week.

_How _dare_ Rob boast to James about his date with Lily! How _dare _he_!

All sympathy James had been feeling for him (there had, admittedly, been some; the guy looked _awful_) disintegrated like one of Peter's cauldrons when he got the potion wrong. Rob was pretty much asking to be knocked out, tied up and locked in a cupboard in a deserted corridor.

James gripped his wand and turned his attention back to Rob, who was still, somehow, prattling on, completely unaware of his stylish haired doom. As James prepared himself to stun Rob out of Merlin's baggy Y-fronts and into next week and the hospital wing several thoughts passed through his head:

_Why was he getting closer? Wasn't he slightly further away at the beginning of his speech. Why is touching my arm? Okaaay this is definitely too close, I can see why people don't like it when I pop their private space bubble..._

There was a surprised squeal as the spell hit Rob square in the chest.


End file.
